I’ve been struggling. I mean REALLY struggling!
Sometimes coping with this struggle comes and goes quickly, but other times it seems as though it sticks to me like glue and follows me for weeks. I am currently experiencing the latter of the two, but no one would ever know unless I told them. Except of course my wife, who has to deal with it much more than I would like her to. I can be moody and a bit unpredictable. Sometimes I am completely social and open, but when I struggle I tend to withdraw and shut down entirely even with friends.
I hide it well, though I’ve come to realize that hiding it does nothing to fix it.
One of the very reasons I started this blog was to help myself work through these things and hopefully (along the way) encourage others who silently struggle with deep embedded problems and issues to realize that they aren’t alone. This blog is about fixing the things that keep you from finding the success that you desire whether those problems are a product of your own making or from things out of your control. After all, we all desire success regardless of the obstacles in our path!
For most of my life I have ”publicly” swept my issues under the rug, avoided counseling (more on why below), and pretended that my internal struggles either did not exist or that I could fix them on my own.
This post isn’t meant to get anyone to feel sorry for me — I’m a big boy. There are others who struggle with much worse than me so I have a lot to be thankful for. It’s just simply my way of getting something off my chest so that I don’t have to carry the burden from day to day. I mean, why hide? I am who I am right?
When I say I generally sweep my issues under the rug that’s not entirely true. I am my harshest critic because I also know that it is me who stands in my way.
I have avoided counseling because when I was 13 I had a bad counseling experience which consisted of a mother whom was blind to her own role in the overall problems of my youth and a counselor railroaded by that denial. In the end, I was made out to be something I was not which meant any counseling or help I could have received was based on lies. In the end, I found myself in CA, NA, and AA, which at the time was crazy since I hadn’t yet experimented with any drugs or alcohol. You may see how this would create trust issues plus I’ve always been a bit paranoid about being prescribed medication for any mental imbalance I may have.
Writing this post and sharing it is very hard for me. In fact, this post has been written and deleted many times before.
I struggle with bouts of depression, high anxiety, impulse control, low self-confidence, and what I believe to be symptoms of ADHD though I’ve never officially been diagnosed. As much as I fight it, and sometimes win, it is a battle each and every day. What I have accomplished has been done with all of this going on “behind the scenes”. It’s been tough but I’ve done my best.
I accredit a lot of my success to my wife and four beautiful children who give me purpose and strength every single day. Sometimes that just isn’t enough to keep me grounded.
I often struggle with feeling scatter-brained, unorganized and unfocused which is very overwhelming. Sometimes the simplest of tasks seem like the biggest mountain. I’m also very impulsive which explains why I’ve struggled with money in the past and why I continue to struggle with weight loss. It also explains my all or nothing personality where I have to put very strict “rules” in place which seem so extreme to the average person but to me is the only thing that works.
I’ve been doing a lot of reading and really trying to get to the root cause of my problems and obstacles.
WHY DO I STRUGGLE SO MUCH AND HOW DO I OVERCOME IT??
In dealing with my problems in the past it seems I have only dealt with the symptoms instead of the real problem. For instance, I became debt free after years of spending more than I made and that was so awesome. BUT, I’ve started to see a pattern and have noticed that some of the same problems can be found in other areas of my life. I may have curbed my impulses when it came to accumulating debt but those impulses still exist — I just don’t go into debt to fulfill them. Not borrowing money puts up a road block and keeps me from going into debt but it doesn’t keep me from buying something I shouldn’t instead of putting the money into savings. I still struggle with that.
I don’t think it’s any coincidence that I have also struggled with weight loss over the years.
So while I can continue to put things in place to address the symptoms, unless I address the core problems in play, my struggle(s) will continue to surface in other areas of my life. It’s not always our inability to budget or our attitude about debt that gets us into financial trouble. Sometimes the problems are much deeper and need a more serious and long term solution. Sometimes we just need to talk with someone who can help us work through our pain.
For me, I think that means getting some counseling and possibly taking medication to level the playing field so that I can focus better, improve my emotional intelligence, and cope with life without as much anxiety. For me, I think it means not running from my childhood, my alcoholic stepdad(s), or the death of my 17 year old brother when I was 19 and so much more. It means learning to cope with my mistakes, forgiving myself, and then moving on. I tend to dwell on my mistakes and being a perfectionist doesn’t help.
I’m sure that counseling is going to be the most helpful way for me to learn how to cope with and overcome the symptoms that cause me so much struggle. Plus I’m quite certain that other issues unrelated to possible ADHD have had an impact on how I respond to everyday life.
Looking back I cannot understand how I’ve made it as far as I have without counseling. So on Monday of next week I will be going to my first official counseling session since I was 13 years old. I’m hopeful that I will then be able to move on and remove the shackles that I feel are keeping me from the success I so desperately desire.
I have lots of ideas and projects I want to focus on. I can’t wait to get out of this fog!
For now, I have to figure out how to force myself to hit the publish button! 
